Feather and Flame

There’s something about sparks, the initiation of flame, the start of something new, that’s always intrigued me. I’ve always thought of those instant aha moments as glimpses into the future, almost as if your soul is telling you that you are perfectly aligned with the universe, even if it’s just for a moment. It’s the question that guided me, this insatiable curiosity of the “what if” and the modest belief that there’s always been something   m  o  r  e.

The past year has been full of those same sparks. My gypsy feelings called out stronger than ever before and asked me to do some almost impossible things.  And as difficult as they were, it was far scarier to not pursue them. How could I look at the rest of my life and simply say no? 

Happenstance meetings, dances under the electric sky, releases to the heartbeat of the bass…perhaps serendipitous, and quite possibly perhaps the opposite…I’m still not entirely sure what pushed me to jump off a cliff and into a summer of truth and upheaval, but I’m glad I did. Perhaps these sparks weren’t entirely exact clues, but they were definitely hints towards the ever available realm of magic I knew was always there but was too scared to access.

I suppose this is just an attempt to chronicle both the grounding truth and the whimsical fairy dust that this summer has been, what the autumn has uncovered, and what the future holds…with as much honesty as I can possibly muster.  

It’s intimidating though – this idea of baring your heart and mind for the world to see. I used to think that it would be perfectly fine. That in truth, I was – to be quite blunt – nice enough that no one could ever truly bring me down. And then, I realized the very simple fact that 99% of the world has never met me. In the grand scheme of things, a couple hundred friends on Facebook and hundreds of contacts in my iPhone means absolutely nothing at all. And that’s fucking scary! For a people pleaser, the idea to not have control AT ALL of the people who judge and have the potential to judge you is terrifying. 

I hate to say it, but it’s really quite nice to know exactly how someone will respond to you. It’s a bit of a defense mechanism, you see, a layer of protection that makes you feel at least a little bit invincible. A laugh, a way with words, just a few moments of going out of your way can add up and can get you places. Yes, it sounds manipulative, but it never felt that way. I just always had a keen understanding of how powerful kindness and compassion could be. So what happens when there’s a very stark possibility that actually being HONEST…can ruin all of that? What happens when I peel back the layer that bares the imperfections that we all run around trying so hard to disguise behind white picket fences and perfectly mowed lawns?

W h a t   h a p p e n s   t h e n ?

I can certainly imagine anger. I can dig up bones of “but then!” “what ifs” and “no ways.”

I might even be able to scrounge up a hasty but heartfelt passing smile, a nondescript sliver of acceptance, the smallest pat on the back.

But alas, taking the road far less traveled also means finding far less acceptance.

And then I thought to myself for the first time in possibly forever…

WHO CARES?

What did it really matter what the world around me thought? If I was trying to dispel the common realities of the people around me, if I was truly trying to defy and transcend, and shine light on the tricky, rocky, new and wonderful way filled with holes, turns, and plot twists, then how in the world was I supposed to do that without getting messy, making mistakes, and challenging conceptions of what is good and true?

Yes, the road is a bit darker and yes, I’ll have to face quite a big more adversity, but I truly believe that challenges are given to those who can handle the fire. What’s a bit of hatred and anger now, when all that really is, is just muck to push through to get to the light? So…I say, give me your tired and your hungry and your weak, give me those who feel beaten down trying to stand up for something completely untraditional but truer than anything they’ve ever stood up for before. Give me those who just want to make a difference. I may not be perfect, I may not be anyone’s answer, but I am committed. I’m committed to finding truth and living it so fully that there’s no room for anything else. The experiences you’ve had, the challenges you’ve faced, the triumphs your heart has raced for…they are not coincidences. We were all given one story to share, one lesson to tell, one purpose to pursue. And in following that inherent compass, you’re bound to create a spark and help someone else’s flame grow. You’ll be the light at the end of someone else’s tunnel.

Imagine the bright world of light and love we’d live in then.

Question. Relinquish control. Surrender yourself to the possibility, and stand back in wonder as opportunities you never dreamed possible start to manifest before your eyes. 

Life is just far too short to settle.

So. 

W h a t   h a p p e n s   n o w ?